The Lonely

Never in my life have I felt so alone. This song is exactly how I feel.
      
           You know, I thought graduating was supposed to be spectacular. All your anticipating for this one night. The night you finnish what you started. The night you earned. the night you go out and party with all your friends. The day that you fold over the last page of this book and open a brand new one with a blank slate. I thought graduating was supposed to be spectacular, wasn't it?

   Not so much. Graduating itself was nothing as I expected. I thought I would feel like I was on a cloud, like i just won a million dollars. Or maybe not even that. Maybe it'd feel like something died, like my life was over, but no. I felt nothing. I didn't hear a cheer after my name was called, I didn't see a single firework. I didn't even shed one tear. All I felt was nothing. I felt empty. I thought graduating was supposed spectacular, but it was smiply going through the motions. Like brushing your teeth.

        The days following graduating were full of packing and cleaning and painting and cleaning and packing some more.I thought graduating was supposed to be spectacular, but because of it, my time came to move.  Before I knew it I was driving. Driving away from home into my new world. A world where everything was unknown. The heat was the first to say hello, although it felt more like I was being mocked. Heat looked at me not to say welcome at all, but to let me know one of us was going to have to change, and it wasn't going to be him. As heat made his position known, beads of sweat penetrated my skin. This was hard but bearable compared to what creeped in next.

       Lonliness. Never in my life have I felt so alone. I thought graduating was supposed to be spectacular, but instead it left me completely alone. Normally I'm good at making new friends and all that jazz. However, graduating changed me. The loud, obnoctious, carefree, outgoing Chelsea is suppocated. I'm left in this body that's scared, timid, SHY. That's not me, but me can't get out. I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most. I'm the shell of a girl I used to know well. Well, you never truly know yourself until you're left completely alone. I thought graduating was supposed to be spectacular, but thanks to graduating I'm alone

              Thanks to graduating I miss my life. Thanks to graduating I miss my friends.Thanks to graduating I miss my house. Thanks to graduating I miss going to high school everyday of my life. I miss the loud obnoctious people in choir. I miss Blake teasing me in weights. I miss Dylan's eyes. I miss Kory being a smart a**. I miss Tess looking at me like I'm an idiot. I miss being all over Tucker all the time. I miss the deep intamate conversations with Bridgette. I miss yelling HOOOpe across campus every day. I miss the conviniences of living in a small town. I miss Dancing alone in my wreck room whenever I wanted. I miss singing at the top of my lungs in the shower in the back. I miss hugging Toni eveyday. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I miss Baldanado telling me I look guilty. I miss Mr. Peterson's smile. I miss Mrs. Caffey's everything. I miss Andy pointint at me in the halls. I miss hearing Riannon say "Mr. Sexy Pants" to Mr. Stevens. I miss actually enjoying learning in Mr. Stevens. I miss laying in my street at night Knowing no one is coming. I miss Drew pinching my calves. I miss late night talks in the hot tub with Caleb. I miss talking with my mom on our way to school eveyday. I miss Pancho shaking his head at me. I miss Elizabeth's lovliness in my life. I miss Caleb McClellan calling me his wife. I miss pretending to steel Shem from hope. I miss Clay flirting with me at play practice. I miss psycho Buckwalter. I miss seeing familiar faces. Thanks to graduating, I MISS ME.

   I thought graduating was supposed to be spectacular. Wasn't it? Hmmmm. Not so much. At least not yet.   

speechless

Sometimes a song just gets to you and you can't explain why.

Bruises

"I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you but everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue for you"
-Chairlift

When I first heard this song I thought it was catchy. After I listened to the words I thought it was a cleve little love song. As I think of this song now it explains my weekends. =)

 As most people know, I like to hang out with guys. Not because I 'like" them but because they are just more fun. My favoite group to hang out with is, James (he thinks he's inlove with me), Drew (the spontanious prankster), Caleb (my favorite person in the world), and sometimes Josh (the wrestler) tags along. You can tell when I am  going to hang with "the guys". I'll throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and my hat and go. These guys bring out the fun in anyone. We've had many adventures together. They've taken me paintballling and four-wheeling. They've tried to teach me how to do flips. Everytime I've come home from hanging out with them, I've been dirty. You can always expect the unexpected with these guys.

Anyways, let me get to the point. Since I've been friends with them I've had many bruises, scratches, and other painful things. There is nothing I love more than being "one of the guys". It is exquisit. I think the first random thing I did with them was go down under Jame's house to do something, I can't even remember, but we got super dusty.=)

One time we went paintballing and I decided to be the white rabbit (which means you run out unarmed into the open field and let everyone shoot at you) and it was all fun in games until I realized how good they could aim. Then I realized how dumb I was. Never again have I been the white rabbit. =)

When we went to Knott's Berry farm, Drew was playing with a little hook thing and just as he went to hook my nose I turnned and it totally ripped my nostril, it hurt so bad. Also Drew loves to grab my calf muscles and squeeze them super hard. I hate that. I think he does it to remind me that I'm a wuss. One time I had a bruise from that for 2 weeks.

James and I were four-wheeling once and he was promising me how he'd never wreck with me on and blah blah blah, and right after he said that we like rolled down a hill. =) It was funny. They also make me go cliff jumping and we've even played mud football.

My most unfavorite thing they do is try and put me under the love sack at Drew's. I am super clostrophobic and they know that. So they always say, "It's a mental thing get over it." I know they're right but when you're scared of something, you just are. Much of my pain has come from trying tostay above the love sack. They've only gotten me under twice, which is really good compared to how much they've tried. One time Caleb was just holding me and the other time Drew was. I was freaking out.

They always do crazy stuff that hurts me but I just man up. But Nothing compares to this weekend. James Drew Josh and I went four-wheeling and Josh let me drive. I was going super fast and clibing things and all that jazz. I grew very confident and I tried to go off this legde. We ended up fliping and rolling for a log time. We came out all right. I'm just super sore and scratched a little bit. Now that I think about it, it could've been fatal if Josh hadn't saved me.

You may ask, "Why do you put yourself through all that?" The answer is because I love them. =) They have produced more fun for me than I could've ever imagined. I love not knowing what we're going to do when I go out to Drew's house. It's always a blast. Yeah sure I get a bruise here and there every now and again, but I'm alright. Yeah I've got bruises on my knees for you guys, wholes in my new jeans, but every little thing was worth it. I thank them everyday for letting me be, "one of the guys". I will miss them tremendously!

All we have is now. This moment is promised. -Elizabeth Perry

      This post is deticated to my dear friend Elizabeth.


    As a senior this year, I decided to try and get to know some of the people I'd always wanted to. I started talking to people I wouldn't normaly talk to and before I knew it, I had a whole new pool of friends. This silly little personal goal turned into some of my most valued friendships. Despite all of these friends, one stands brightly in my mind. Elizabeth Perry.
   This phenominal woman is a beautiful, weird, crazy, silly, fun to be around girl! One day I started talking to her. Things went really slow. I don't think she really knew I was serious when I told her I've always wanted to be her friend. I'm not sure how things got better but once the choir went on tour we just clicked. Before I knew it I was talking with her about her boyfriend and going to her house with her on dinner breaks. Now I have grown to love her. Yeah Yeah, I know what you think, I just say that about all my friends. Well cause I do love all my friends, but this is like my high level of love. I just completely adore this girl. I'm so sad this is my last year in Holbrook. I will miss her terribly.
     Not only is she amazingly fun to be around, and not to mention gorgeous, She is a musician. She recently performed an origional song called This Moment. It talks about remembering the moment and taking it all in. 

"All we have is now. This moment is promised."

   These were the perfect words for me at the end of this year. Elizabeth just completely blew me away.

Elizabeth, I just want you to know how much I love you. You have been a great friend and I hope to keep in contact. I'm so happy we've been able to connect so fast and thank for letting me in to your wonderful world. I hope you know I alwasy got your back and I love your songs. I hope all your dreams come true because you deserve it girl. You are phenominal and I am lucky to linger in your life. I love you.
<3 Chelsea Bea 

One Day I'll Fly Away

        One day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday.
        Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day
         when dreaming ends? -Nicole Kidman

     The school year is coming to an end. Final decisions about college are being made. Thoughts about dreams and goals are turning into realities. For me, there is waiting. I can't really know my final decisions until I audition on May 14th. Yes, I'm excited...and nervous. Mostly I'm just ready to know!

   When I was a little girl, teachers would ask what I wanted to be when I grow up and I always said the same thing, "I'm going to be a star on broadway." I even told my teachers to keep my signature because it'd be worth a lot of money someday. =) I was a little full of it but this dream has always been instilled in me. As I grew up things wavered a little bit but never completely changed. Sometimes I would doubt if I could do it. When it came down to it, I knew there's nothing else that would make me that happy to go to work daily.
  
      Things really hit me when I saw the musical Wicked. The first song began and I felt a sudden rush...I know it sounds strange. I can't even explain it. I literally felt my soul escape my body to find it's way to the stage. My emotions were uncontrolable and it took every fiber of my being to keep tears from rapidly falling from my eyes. They weren't sad tears, they were just emotions trying to get out of me. This was the moment I knew, I JUST KNEW, I had to be on stage. I don't care if I'm the star or a back round character, I just need to be on stage.  This is when I decided it's time now to take a dream and make it real.
 
   Reguardless of the results, I know I'm going places. I feel like there's something in me that is just so ready to break free. Staying with my parents has crossed my mind so many times, but I know I can't. I want to be someone. I've realized I've been dreaming of this my whole life. I want to be on broadway! Now is the time I have to make this dream not just a dream. It's time to fly away. I don't want to look back wondering if I could've done it. I want to know. I don't know why I'd try so hard to blend in when I was born to stand out. One day I'll fly away, no, TODAY I'll fly away.
 

Why do you dance?

     I was on my way home from the valley last night. It was getting late and I wanted to be at home in my bed. Then I started thinking about all my math homework I didn't do, the blog I needed to post, the piles of laundry that needed to be done, when I heard these words,

"Some dance to remember, some dance to forget."
-Hotel California/ The Eagles

      I thought to myself why do I dance? I realize that the beauty of dancing is I didn't have to choose. I have danced for both reasons. Some of my happiest moment have been dances.
There was the time I did my English project. I felt so proud of myself and even though it "scared" some people, I enjoyed it immensly.
     My favorite part of my trip to Disneyland wasthis awesome TRON rave. Lexi and I raved in the park all night. We met a lot of fun people and even though everyone didn't know each other we all connected though dance. The joy flowed from me all night and I felt like I was on top of the world.
You can also find me at home in my recreation room with my Ipod on shuffle just dancing away. I know I'm not the best dancer by any means but who's to say I can't become her. When you find something that brings you joy, you should never let the fear of other people's reactions keep you from expressing your joys.
  These are the best things in life. The things that bring so much joy. Yeah for me it's dancing and singing but what is it for you? Maybe it's basketball or painting. Maybe it's wrestling or flirting (Maurice) ;-)
Maybe it's cheer or sketching or editing videos. Maybe it's teaching a crazy group of seniors. But whatever it is, once you find it, don't ever let it go. It's your life, make it worth it.

It's a Small Wold!

It's a world of laughter, a world or tears
Its a world of hopes, its a world of fear
theres so much that we share
that its time we're aware
its a small world after all

   It's a small world is orobably one of the most obnoctious rides in Disneyland but it is one of my most favorite rides. I was with my little group and I continued asking if we could ride that one. They shut me down every time of course. So I went on it with a different group. While I was on it I realised it's these types of simple things that make me so happy.
   Yes there's a lot of big extravegant things in life that get my adrenaline pumping and get me excited and wound up. Then there's the foods that are pleasing, and guys are fun,but really in my life the small things bring me joy.
  For instance, we were standing in line for Thunder Mountain and these people were trying to exit the line and they were about to walk all the way back up the path. So I unlatched the little rope thing for them and let them out. I was super excited just to have done that. I felt so cool.
  There are many more examples I just can't think of them all right now. Really why I love this song is because of the simplicity. It is a small world after all. Especially in my world. The small things are huge in my wold and make me so happy and excited to be alive. Yes I have ups and downs but thats is what makes me have so much fun. Everyone should learn to find joy in simple small things.