I'm So Dang Tired

  In my last post I mentioned some troubles with my job. Here is a forewarning this is a venting blog.

   I have been a nanny for my sister's sister-in0law for about a year now. it has been really fun and a great learning experience. I love Laura and Adam, the couple I work for, and they have been such great employers! But recently I have grown tired. Babysitting kids everyday from 8-5 is really trying. It has tried my drawn skills, my creativity, most of all my patience, and much more. I started out great! drawing and playing whatever Gavin wanted! His cousins would come over and we would play. I was an awesome baby-sitter! Gavin and I had so much fun and the day would pass by so fast. As time went on I have grown warn-out, tired, even cranky some days. I felt terrible, I wouldn't want to be baby-sat by me either. It gets harder to be creative everyday with new activities and on top of that, behavioral issues began to increase. Gavin is one stubborn little boy. He stopped listening to me and wouldn't stay in his room. He even started to hit me. When his mom was around he was as sweet as can be. He began to say he hated me and constantly told me how he did not like me. I know he is just a child and doesn't mean it he just doesn't like to get in trouble, but after hearing that so many times, it starts to cut deeper.

  I'm not say he is a terrible kid to baby-sit, most days we get a long but every once in a while we have a bad day. For a long time I have mentally been done with this job it was wearing on other aspects of my life, I would be grumpy when I came home and I felt like I just wanted to go to bed all the time. I have always been good at making the best out of things and always looking for ways to improve. I prayed that I would have more patience and enjoy my job daily. I opened my mind and tried really hard to do my best. Still, the stress of motherly duties to children that were not even mine wore on me till eventually I cracked. The other day was one of Gavin's worst days. He was rude to me all day and by the end of the day my patience was at an all time low. Gavin was climbing on his dad's work truck and I asked him to come down because I didn't want him to fall and get hurt. He refused so I grabbed him to lift him out of the truck and he bonked his head. He turned around and punched my face and my glasses flew off, without even thinking my lack of patience and abundance of furry escaped me and I hit is belly. I smacked it hard leaving a red hand print. I immediately felt the guilt and shame flood over me. I had hit an innocent child, that wasn't even mine to hit. I wiped his tears of fear, pain and anger away from his eyes and tried to apologize.

  It was a little after that when he said, "Chelsea I like you, but I don't want you hear anymore."
I realized, he was right I need to leave this job before it ruins me. I love these kids and it has been such a fun job. But some good things must end. I told his mother what had happened and asked if she could find someone else to take my job as soon as possible. I think that Gavin and I have had fun but we are both ready for a change. I hope he will look back and remember me as the fun baby-sitter, not the evil lady that hit him. I was supposed to stay till january but hopefully I will be done in the next few weeks cause I'm so dang tired, I can't hear myself, after all these hours, i'll heal myself. Move, i've decided. So let me sing out, forget it all.

Time for a change, out with the nannying in with the flight attendant school.

The Hansens-Established August 31, 2012

Boy oh boy how time flies! So much has happened and I have been thinking about blogging so many things but the time just gets away from me. So I need to blog about my Wedding and my marriage.

        So I got married to my perfect match! I honestly think he is the one who can best handle my oddness. he is no where near perfect, but he is perfect for me. =) So we went on our honeymoon which was an 8 day cruise then went to disneyland for two days! it was a blast! Before we knew it it was time to come home. Everyone always talks up the wedding and the reception and honeymoon, but no one ever mentions the after math. After all the build up of waiting, then the excitement of the big event happening, what now? So we finally made it home from california and our first day in our appartment went like this, we woke up, Justin decided to go work out and I asked him to pick up some cleaning supplies and laundry detergent, and tampons. So he went. Eventually he retuned home with bag in hand. I was so happy! He did what I asked no complaint. Then the fun began, I pulled out the laundry detergent to start my laundry and it was Tide, Tide just happens to be the one detergent that I am allergic to. I told him that and I just sloughed it off. No problem I could use that till we could purchase otherwise. I would just do a double rinse cycle, no big deal. Then as I went to the restroom I opened my new box of tampons, or so I thought. I didn't realize that being a boy growing up with no sisters, Justin had no idea the difference between pads and tampons. =) The realization kicked in that I was now living with a guy, which besides my dad, I have never known what it was like. And so the adventure began.

    Since then Justin and I have fallen into our pattern of living together and being married and we love it...well I love it and he hasn't complained to much. =) The other night I was having issues with my job and I couldn't sleep. I may or may not have been crying ;-) and he was so sweet. He woke up at like 11:30 p.m. (which is a big deal cause he goes to bed around 9:30 due to waking up at 4:30a.m. for work) he simply just held me and made sure I was ok and I just felt his love so loud and clear. He never fails to show his love for me.

   Also, every relationship had its downfalls, when we have disagreements we have such good communication skills. We realize that no one is perfect and that its ok to be mad at each other sometimes. My most favorite thing about my marriage is that we never take ourselves to seriously. We make each other laugh 85% of the time. We like to do fun things together and realize when we need a little space. I love the challenges we learn to work through together. We have discussed that as life comes at us we will have new trials and challenges but we have decided now that our commitment to each other is unbreakable. We have been married for eternity, no other option. I am excited to see what life brings us and grow closer to my husband and to God as we work through our trials with His help. I look forward to those great times of joy that await us. And I hope NO MATTER WHAT we always remember to make each other feel wanted.

I more than love Justin and I know he is the one for me. I love his tallness, I love his hands, I love his love for golf! I love his humor, I love the way he teases me. I love his family, I love his nasty feat, I love the way he gets grumpy when he's hungry or tired. I love that he love his dorky mow hawk. I love his excitement about life and his work. I love the way he makes me feel wanted.

Shake it Off

   Has anyone ever asked you, if you were to get in a car accident and die what song would you want to be playing. Well, last night at about ten p.m. I felt a strange popping feeling under my foot as i was driving to my parents house. I had been listening to this song on repeat for about an hour now and quickly turned off the music when I felt something strange was a bout to occur. My car has broken down many of times so I'm pretty good at handling this situation. I took my foot off the gas, turned my hazards on, and coasted to the nearest stopping place (which happened to be the school my parents work at). As I was coasting I called my mom and said, "Hey mom, I think my car is exploding." I finally came to a stop I sat in my car thinking what is it this time. Them my car started to smoke like crazy! I looked at the engine thing and it want's overheating or anything. So I gathered most of my valuables and stepped out of the vehicle. as I got out a car pulled up asking if I was alright. I told him how I had called my parents and that everything was fine. I turned back around and my hood lit up in flames quickly engulfing the entire front of my car. The man that was there called 911 and asked me if I got everything out that I needed. I looked through my purse to find I had left my wallet in there. 

It felt like I was standing there watching my car, not only my car, my friend, my partner in crime, my trusty(not entirely) transportation, my Spitfire, burn for eternity. All that time spent trying to make the piece of crap car look like an awesome ride. All those nights I stuffed her full of friends. All those nights it carried couches to mystical destinations. My perfect spot for star gazing. My Car was GONE. The cop cars finally started to poor into the parking lot. Then came my family. Everyone watching Spitfire go out with a BANG! literally. 

Now let's rewind about 4 hours earlier. I was having a really weird day. I was thinking about this whole engaged thing again. I was realizing how scary it is that I am about to be sealed to one person for eternity. I was feeling overwhelmed. I know getting married to Justine is the right thing. I KNOW for a fact he is the one I am meant to be with. I was just frustrated with God that it happened so soon. I thought It happened so fast, Do I Really love him? I drove to school listening to this song on repeat. "If you really want to shake it of, you got to rearrange it. JUST STOP AND SHAKE IT OFF." I went do dance and it was when I was on my way to my parent's house I was texting my mom and two of my sisters ( yes while driving..BAD BAD) dramatically about all my problems/fears.. Then my car caught fire. 

It's crazy how all the worries of the world vanish as soon as a catastrophe hits. The crazy thing is that even though my mom, my sister, and my brother in-law were there, I still didn't feel ok. I figured as soon as my dad showed up i'm be more calm inside. Nope. The only person I wanted needed was Justin. Then the song echoed in my head, "Love love, don't use love. Love love, don't lose love." I can not wait to be married and sealed for eternity to the one I love. 

Lessons I learned last night are one, DO NOT BE FRUSTRATED AT GOD!! Two, GRAB your wallet (luckily it didn't burn, I really don't know how). Three, try not to get so attached to things. And four, it's ok to need people. 

After time had warn away, the shock hit. I AM BLESSED. My mom started in with her what ifs. Now that I think about it, I could have had the kids in my car. I could have driven home and the fire would've been in my driveway. My wallet should've burned. The school parking lot could've not been there. I could be burnt up in a car. I could be dead. I could be dead. 

Oh How Great God IS!!

Spitfire 

Rest In Peace 

1996-2012

I love you forever you were a great car. 

Be _________ (you get to fill in the blank)

 One of the greatest things about life is that utimately your choices are up to you!  Especially since I have been out of my parent's house, I have been able to make a ton of my own decisions. I love this song because it is so easy these days to get wrapped in what your parent's want or what your friends wast. I love that no matter what it is up to me. No one can make me do anything! This is huge in my life.
  I had a very long talk about religion with my friend and her fiance last night.  We talked for about two hours about my beliefs and their beliefs. I loved every second of it because neither of us were offended. We simply listened and took in what each other was saying. One of my favorite and most valuable lessons in life is that everyone is allowed their own opinion. Anything anyone else says never has to become a part of me. I love individuals who are true to themselves no matter what. I think it's the only way to make it through this confusing world be true to yourself and never let anything anyone says offend you. Also be open minded and willing to listen incase someone shares an opinion that can add to who you want to be. I feel like that's truly the only way to live is to realize you are who you choose to be and nobody else really has a say unless you let them.
   So be who you want to be, if you're not the person you want to be, don't complain, you have all the power to fix it.  Be you, if your not going too, who will? As for me, I think I'll sing out. I think I'll be me. Cause there's a million ways to be, I know that there are. But there's only one Chelsea Bea and it's me.
 =) <3 Chelsea Bea

Ball So Hard

     So I heard about an audition for a dance in the faculty showcase at chandler-gilbert community college, my first instinct was...no way I'm not good enough. Then my friend Cari told me to audition, "just do it. what's the worst that could happen? you could not get in the piece. no big deal." So I put my big girl panties on and just did it. Soon enough I received an email saying a got a part in the dance!! I was astonished and so beyond excited. So now I knew I was "good enough"
    I came into rehearsal the first day not entirely sure what to expect...lo and behold we were given this as our music. Now, I was slightly confused because we were doing a jazz piece, this is clearly  hip hop sounding song, but I was all in. As choreography rehearsals went on the piece developed...very interstingly (yes i'm aware that is not a word). The dance was about power. there was a mustache representing the power...one girl started with the mustache and she controlled me and the other girl in the dance. Then the girl next to me got up and stole the mustache. Eventually that girl realized she did not like the power and passed it on to me, sticking it on my back so then without knowing i became the one in charge and the power initially drove me crazy. by the end, the first girl stole the mustache back thus looping the story. It was a comedy piece. So that was the dance.
     Anyway, I just wanted to write about my experience. First of all, there is one dancer in particular at the school that I noticed was an extremely talented dancer during last semester's faculty show. Her name is Breanna. I was flattered to be in this number because she was also in the auditions and chosen to participate. I was happy to be working with the one person whom I admire in this dance program. That was the first excellent moment. The next perk about being in this dance came when the choreographer invited us to perform with her dance company in phoenix. It was a pleasure to be on a professional stage. However, after that performance, our choreographer changed the dance completely right before the faculty showcase, that was interesting seeing as we only had two practices before the show. =)
     The night of the performance came. I was super pumped about the performance, I had invited all my friends and my energy was just at an all time high. We took the stage and I did my very best. Feeling proud as I took my curtain call. I returned back stage to find a text from one of my friends. It explained how her boyfriend said he loved to watch "that girl with the black hair" (me) dance. Another great moment during tech week was when another choreographer of a beautiful modern piece told me how she would love to use me in one of her pieces. I was flattered and so happy. After the show the audience was aloud to come back stage and talk to the dancers...All my friends were there. They had even got me flowers!! Yellow roses, my favorite. Compliments were flying and I have almost never felt so blessed in my entire life. How blessed am I to have a body that can dance. How blessed am I to have friends willing to take time out of their lives to come see a 2 minute dance of me. How blessed am I to have this talent God so willingly gave me. How blessed am I to share a stage with such wonderful dancers. How blessed am I to have passion and joy for something so simple. How blessed I am!
     I have a new found confidence in my talent. I am a dancer. maybe I don't have the skill level of a lot of dancers my age but I do have the will and the passion. I will be great and I will never stop dancing. Confidence is key. I can not thank my friends and family enough for coming and cheering for me. Above all I can not thank God enough for every blessing in my life. And when it comes to performing, I ball so hard. =)
<3 Chelsea Bea

The Love He Freely Gives Me

Happy Easter...a day late. I sang this song in church and the spirit just reiterated to me how much Heavenly Father loves me. He loved me so much that he sent his only begotten son, my brother and best friend, Jesus Christ, who is sinless, to suffer unbearable pain, bleed and die for me, an imperfect sinner. And Christ loves me so much that he partook of the bitter cup. Because he died for me I have a chance to return to my heavenly king where he waits for me with open arms. I love my savior Jesus Christ and I know he lives.  

Me, Myself, and I

"I wanna talk about me 
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my 
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally 
I wanna talk about meeeeee (me,me,me,me-background singers)
I wanna talk about me (me,me-background singers)"

 

       So Tuesday I discovered...I talk about me way toooo often! Seriously, anytime some one says something about themselves I can always, ALWAYS link it back to me and have everyone's attention back on me. I was standing in a group of people and I had a story or song or at least something to say to redirect every single eye in my direction. So I made a goal that night to just shut up listen!!! The first few minutes I self-self-conciously continued to do it. So I dug down deep and closed my mouth. I don't know why, but it was so challenging. Finally I got myself to hush. I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE! 

  Why are quiet people so much more interesting?!? I wish I could be that person, the person who is quiet but secretly hilarious or profound. I am no where near that. And I honestly don't think I can change into that...it's just not ME. but, I do fully appreciate those people in my life. And I should find quiet time more often. Also let others shine. Yeah life is a stage, but even the character's with one line are important. That one line could be the pivital moment in the  production and who am I to sing and dance over the top of them. it's time I learned about back stage.